Expecting Too Much

There is absolutely no one who enjoys unmet expectations. Most of life’s disappointments come from things not working out how we expected them to: “I shouldn’t have expected so much.” “Well, I don’t know what she expected to happen.” The obvious solution to this is simply to get rid of expectations. Unfortunately, they are a necessary evil. We can’t just go through life without any expectations. No matter what we set out to do, we expect a certain outcome, and that expected outcome often determines our attitudes. For example, if I expect my dog to ignore every rabbit we see on a walk, I’m going to get pretty ticked when he tries to rip off my arm once we see one. But if I expect him to try to chase them, I’ll be more proactive in calming him down when we see one. Regardless of what my expectations might be, the outcome is the same. The only thing that changed was my expectation. The problem isn’t about having expectations; it’s about having the wrong expectations.

Flawed Expectations

Relationships aren’t immune to the effects of expectations either. The type of relationship doesn’t matter; we all have expectations for each relationship we have. I expect my boss to fulfill the requirements of her position; I expect my pastor to teach from the Bible; I expect other drivers to check their rearview mirrors before backing up in a parking lot. None of these expectations are wrong! They’re perfectly reasonable. The issue is that we tend to place unrealistic expectations on those we are closest to. And what makes it worse is that these expectations are usually unspoken. We’re worse than Apple - we hold our friends to an agreement without letting them know there are terms and conditions. I think women tend to be especially guilty of holding onto these unspoken expectations. How many times have you given someone the silent treatment because she did something to upset you and she *clearly* knows what she did? What about that fight you had with your bestie because she had the nerve to question your last boyfriend? The basis of all these expectations, our fatal flaw so to speak, is our lack of truly understanding what love looks like. Love is so much more than the romantic, butterflies-in-the-stomach feeling, and it is appears in countless different ways. There are just as many ways to show you care about someone as there are personalities. Unfortunately, we expect love and friendship and appreciation to be shown in specific ways, and we get frustrated when that doesn’t happen. Thanks in part to our Instagram/Facebook shout-out culture, we’re so expectant of extravagant gestures from those we’re closest to that we’ve become blind to the everyday acts of love all around us. We forget that “Text me when you get home,” is as loving as a tag on social media, that getting your friend a refill can be as intentional as a phone call. It all depends on who you and who they are. One of the most eye-opening concepts about relationships is Gary Chapman’s 5 Love Languages. The first book focused on the 5 Love Languages of romantic relationships, but now there books geared toward other relationships available . Quick note: Regardless of your relationship status, if you’ve never read one, I suggest starting with The Five Love Languages: Singles Edition - it’s insanely practical for any type of relationship. The more I understand what makes my friends feel loved and appreciated, the better I’m able to see the ways they show their love and the better I’m able love on them in ways that speak the loudest to who they are. When I see how they show love, I can better align my expectations and keep my emotions in check.

My top love language is quality time. I feel most loved when my friends spend focused, one-on-one time with me. Since we live in such a fast-paced, pack-scheduled society, it’s hard for my friends and I to get a lot of this quality time. But by remembering that love is shown in so many ways, I’m able to look past how I feel and notice how they show they care about me in their own ways.

Count On It

As I said earlier, expectations are a necessary evil in life. Our goal is not to get rid of our expectations, per se, but to make sure our expectations are fitting for human relationships. We all want to feel loved and supported, but we tend to place expectations onto people that they were never intended to fulfill. While it’s vital for us to form community and solid friendships in this life, our ultimate source of acceptance and love should be from Jesus Christ. Until we’re able to rely on Him to fulfill those desires, we’re only going to be disappointed in our earthly relationships. So what should we expect from those closest to us?

First, we need expect our loved ones to make mistakes. We’re all imperfect human beings. Relationships get messy. People get ticked. Friends screw up. We need to learn to expect imperfections in one another. Second, we can expect that our friends are doing the best they can. I truly believe that everyone out there is trying their hardest with what they have. Our job is to encourage one another and push each other toward Christlikeness, not get annoyed when someone falls short. That’s it. Just two things.

Personal Responsibility

A friend of mine once said that 5% of relational problems are his fault and the other 95% are the fault of the other person. This is hyperbole, of course, but it’s a good indicator of how we tend to think. When an issue arises in a relationship, our natural inclination is to put most of the blame on the other person. Here’s the thing: regardless of who might be more at fault, it takes two people to have a conflict. The only person you have any control over is yourself (also, none of us are Jesus, so the probability that anyone is 100% innocent highly unlikely). Each of us have to decide what our friends can expect from us. We can’t control what our friends do, but we can control what we do and how we will react. These are the top things my friends can expect from me:

1. I will do my (imperfect) best to love unconditionally and always show up for you.

2. I will be honest with you, even when it’s hard. If you’re messing up, I’ll call you out on it, but I will walk through it with you (see above).

3. I will give you unwavering support, but realistically. If you want to try out for America’s Got Talent, I will tell you that you suck (see above).

No matter what another person does, no matter how someone might treat me or how I might feel in any given situation, the way I respond is solely my responsibility. Friendship is a two-way street; it’s not going to grow if both people don’t put in the effort. But at the end of the day, I am accountable for my actions and my commitment, not anyone else's. Regardless of the relationships you have, I encourage you to look at the expectations you are placing on people. People aren’t always going to live up to what we hope, but learning what to expect from them will offer you way more freedom and a whole lot less disappointment.